The Saotome School of Raising Boys
by chronodekar
Summary: A parenting book written by Genma Saotome.
1. What to Raise?

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own any of the characters mentioned below. Copy-right belongs to their respective owners. No money has been made in the creation of this work.

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><p><span>Genma's Notes:<span>

Hello everyone. My name is Genma Saotome. I'm a martial artist by trade, but for the purposes of this book, I am a father! I suppose it's strange that you find me writing a parenting book, when my skills are obviously elsewhere ... or _are they?_ For you see, I have dedicated more than a quarter of my life raising my son, Ranma to become the BEST martial artist in the world. And, as can be expected, he is indeed one of the most successful (and powerful) martial artists today.

Which brings me to this book; it has been told by many that while my parenting methods are un-orthodox, they have accomplished amazing results! In fact, many are shocked that Ranma actually turned out the way he did! I m sure that there are many, many parents out there who want to raise their children into successful adults and it is to them that I write this for.

Yours sincerely,  
><em>G. Saotome<em>

PS - To avoid piracy, a curse has been put on this work so that, unless you are reading it from an authorized publisher, the techniques mentioned here will seem so outlandish that you would drive your child insane, instead of raising them to become productive members of society. If due to not purchasing a legitimate copy of this work, you kill your child instead, I or anyone else for that matter, will NOT be held responsible. Thank You.

And now without further adeu, here's the first chapter,

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><p>What to Raise?<p>

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><p>I often say that I spend more time and energy on my one boy than on any of my girls. Other parents would be quick to say the same. Why? The answer is simple, I don't have any girls.<p>

There is only one woman in my household, and she's my wife. I think that's more than enough for a martial artist. There are bound to be some households that differ. Take my best friend, Soun Tendo, for example. He has not one or two, but THREE girls! And he tells me that it's no picnic. Just about every day, he has to deal with fashion senses, cooking fiasco's and a far greater grudge-holding capacity from his girls than I have to do from my boy.

Is it worth it? I highly doubt it. In order to raise the girls properly, he decided to settle down in a Tokyo suburb and live a "settled" life. NOT the kind of living you should be experiencing if you want to create a hardened warrior! A True Martial Artist should be taught the perils of the road from a very young age, ... but I digress. In spite of all the attention he showered on his children, only ONE of them grew up to practice martial arts. And I mean just practice! I won't EVER call HER a master by any measure.

And that too, it's his youngest! What about the other two? One of them spends most of her time in the kitchen cooking or moving around the house doing chores. The other spends her time studying stock options! I suppose, for a girl, those could be ... O.K. choices, but HOW can any of THAT help you defend yourself from an armed bandit?

You can't. It's as simple as that.

And as for the supposed martial artist in that family, her pacing is so slow, it makes me want to puke! As I understand things, at the age of 2 she was breaking bricks with her bare hands. THAT is supposed to be impressive? When my boy was just 18 months old, I hung him upside down from a tree for 5 hours straight!

Everyday.

For 2 months.

Hanging 30 Kilograms of concrete blocks from each hand.

Sure, it hurt in the beginning, but, by the time he was 2 years old, he was demolishing buildings! What's a few mere bricks compared to THAT?

Every child is an individual, of course. His or her innate personality helps shape how life unfolds. Environment (including the parent) plays a role too. Which, brings me back to what I mentioned earlier. If you want to raise a True Martial Artist, you NEED to get them used to the road as soon as possible. Holding back, is just spoiling your child's future. And you don't want to do that, now do you?

No, as a parent, it's YOUR responsibility to make your boy kiss the raw dirt as soon as he is able to crawl! I've never tried it myself, but an ancient scroll I once read, mentioned that chains help. Unfortunately, my boy was 7 years old by the time I found that scroll, so I couldn't try it out on him. But, if YOU, as a _responsible_ father, want to make your son the best martial artist there is, then, I urge you to shackle your ward in chains as soon as he beings to crawl! The strength they develop in their early years will be of immense use, years later, long after you've passed on.

And your child _will thank you for it._

Hmm.. I find myself veering a bit off-topic for this chapter. Still, coming back to our original discussion, don't forget - discipline! Girls are just not worth the bother. If you try spanking or slapping them, they open their big mouths and make such a fuss! True, it's the same for a boy ... initially. After throwing your ward to the wall a few times, he'll get the picture and shut up. As for girls, well, they just aren't sturdy enough for such things.

There was this tribe of warriors that I knew of; trying to get their young girls to shut up, they killed all of them one way or the other. In the end, for daughters, they captured animals and cursed them to become human females. In fact, it's a rather effective way to ensure that you get a good strong girl. But, we're discussing how to grow strong children that you make on your own, NOT ways to adopt the neighborhood pet!

So, .. just forget about what I just said, ok? Well, if you really want to know more details, just contact me. If I get enough queries, I might just write another book on the subject.

I hope I've made my point clear. If you want to raise a world-class True Martial Artist, you _**NEED a boy**_. NO EXCEPTIONS. If you don't get one on the first attempt, try again. And Again. Though, by that time, if you still haven't got one, just accept the fact that Kami has cursed your bloodline and settle for what you have. In fact, if you have a baby girl, a good option would be to look for other families with baby boys and arrange a marriage when the children come of age.

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><p>Next Chapter: "<em>The Stages of Boyhood<em>"

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><p><em><span>Author's Notes:<span>_

It's been a good while since I last posted a story here. What got me in the mood? Well, I was browsing around the TFF forum when I came across a comment by Dark Knight Gafgar. It went something like this "Alternatively, Keitaro's ancestors subscribed to the Genma Saotome School of Raising Children, and thus through a series of wacky and implausible legal circumstances by the time he arrives at the Hinata House he's actually engaged to everyone. Yes, including Tama-chan."

That got me thinking, "What if Genma actually wrote a book?". It was an itch that stayed in my mind for a good while and I wrote a one-shot. That, was surprisingly well received, and one suggestion was to convert it into a full-story. Or book. Whatever. ANYWAY, the result is what you see above.

I plan about 3 or 5 chapters total in this series, followed by the original one-shot that spawned it.

To all my female readers out there, please understand that this story/book is meant as humor/crack. I most certainly do NOT have as low an opinion on the female half our population as the fanon-Genma who wrote this nonsense. I apologize if any of you feel offended and suggest that you stop reading.

Please consider leaving a review. They brighten my day and are a good incentive to keep me writing. (^_^)

_-chronodekar_


	2. The Stages of Boyhood

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters mentioned below, they have been merely borrowed from their respecitve owners in an attempt to bring humor to those who are reading this text.

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><p>The Stages of Boyhood<p>

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><p>Now, after you've decided that you want a boy, I hope that you are knowledgeable enough to know how to produce your own off-spring? Because, if you don't, then this book, probably isn't for you. For that matter, do you REALLY call yourself a martial artist? You bring SHAME upon us ALL, you half-wit !<p>

_-sigh-_

Being a father is a HUGE responsibility. It's probably going to be one of the longest commitments you'll ever make in your life. It will drive you through a LOT of emotional turmoil. As I like to say, "The life of a Martial Artist is fraught with Peril!". That's never more true than when you become a father. And you can't run away from it.

Trust me, I've tried.

Well, I suppose, that it IS possible to run away from the responsibility, but after a while, your conscience starts to prick you with thoughts like - "What if the boy is corrupting my wife?" "She's MINE! I can't let another man near her!" "I'll pay back that brat by tossing him into the lake!" And, it's thoughts similar to the last one that will drive you to return and complete your child's training.

Oh, you didn't think it was going to be easy, did you? It's not just your boy, who's going to be hard on the road. It's every bit as difficult, perhaps, even more so, for YOU, as the father. After all, you need to present yourself as a model example for your boy. The shining star in the heavens that he should strive to be! And, to be blunt, it's a pain-in-the-ass to be soo disciplined all the time.

And it's not right, either! I mean, WE have completed OUR training as martial artists, now haven't we? So, why should we do it again? Fortunately, there's a simple way. Either knock your boy out, with a well placed kick to the backside of his head, or if you are feeling cheap, use a blind-fold. Just be sure, not to put it on too tight.

It was a nerve-wrecking time for me, when that one week, after I put the blind-fold on a bit too tight on my Ranma, he actually had trouble seeing. Fortunately, he was only 7 years old at the time and his eyeballs healed themselves. Unfortunately, I know of one child who was not so fortunate. His name is Mousse. He can still see, but his eye-sight is so diminished that he can't tell what/who is in front of him, without wearing a coke-size pair of glasses! For a martial artist, it's a rather dangerous weakness. Fortunately for him, he keeps hundreds of spare glasses in his pockets, so he can survive well enough.

But do YOU want to risk your child with bad eye-sight? Trust me, you DON'T. Unless, ... you mean to sacrifice the boy's eyes for a 10-course meal prepared by the Tibetan Monks. It's part of an ancient ritual to gain favor among the Gods (and a good meal) by sacrificing an eyeball. Unfortunately, the monks are a bit picky. They only accept certain kinds of eyeballs. Last I heard, they were looking for "Mystic Eyes of Death Perception". Seems like they wanted to collect a dozen of them ...

It's commonly understood that there are 3 stages of boyhood. And they all depend on age, to one degree or the other. Broadly you can think of it like this,

_Ages 0 - 6 years: **Toddler-hood**_

Your boy will be very much attached to his mother. This is good, as he'll need to make some memories before you take him off for his training tour. Of course, just because he's making some memories with his mother, doesn't mean you should sit around doing nothing. If anything, this is the time you should be most VIGILANT. Make sure that he learns to crawl and walk as soon as you think it's possible. Develop his leg muscles by forcing him to balance pots and pans with his toes! Build up his vocabulary by talking to him about the finer points of life. Ensure that he knows how to sign a blood-seal, so that you can use him as a bargaining chip. Well, the last one might be a bit difficult, depending on the legal jurisdiction you are in, but fortunately for us, most Demons, don't care about that sort of thing. Just keep away from Angels or Goddesses and you'll be fine.

_Ages 5 - 14 years: **Brat-hood**_

These are THE most vital years in the development of your child. This is where, YOU as a father, should step up and take the reins from his mother. Oh sure, the mother will probably be hysterical that you are about to go on a 10-year training trip with the boy, but to sooth her pain, that's what you had the boy perform all those blood-rites, right? Just sign a Seppuko contract and everything will be fine. If not, use ninja technique #237. That means, to knockout the mother and run as fast as possible with the child. Don't forget to leave a good-bye note.

Something you need to keep in mind is that during the Brat-hood years, is when your child is most impressionable. That means, this is the period where he develops a sense of right/wrong, Good/Evil, etc. And, as his father, it is essential that you teach him right! It's not easy, and I've found that you can take a short-cut with the whole process by visiting some temples and churches during the training trip. The monks and priests do a good job explaining such things to different people. At one point, they even wanted ME to sit in those sessions. I never did figure out why, but I'm sure that they wanted to have it known, that I once taught at that holy-site. Unfortunately, I had more pressing concerns with the local pub that night, and so I had to decline their offer...

_Ages 14 onwards: **Fiancee-hood**_

This is the time when you need to start thinking about your child's life partner. After all, it is with this person that your boy will live his life! It's too risky to let your innocent boy find one by himself. Which, is why as a parent, you need to court as many other girls as you can, for your child. Of course, you can't court them directly! What do you think I am? A Pedophile? NO. Instead, you approach the different parents and arrange different fiancees for your boy. It wouldn't be fair on him if you selected only one, right? Which is why you need to give him a choice. It's best if he picks one out of your selection. That way, you can be sure he gets a good match, and he'll be happy that it's his choice! Just be careful not to include too many aggressive ones, otherwise, it might lead to a ... sticky situation.

But, as a True Martial Artist, you can be SURE that your son WILL prevail! And the best part is, you can mostly sit on the sidelines and document how he makes his choice. If you are lucky, a major TV studio will buy out the rights, and you'll be walling in money for a good while to come!

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><p>Next Chapter: "<em>Explaining Girls to a Boy<em>"

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><p><em>Author's Notes:<em>

Wow! It's barely 2 days and I've got over 150 hits on this story! And 5 reviews within the second day! Cool! That's a heck lot more than I got for my older "Slayers" story. Though, admittedly, I guess this is more funnier. And I even have girls leaving positive reviews. Seriously, I was really worried about how you folks would feel, and I'm relieved to see that your taking it in the humor-sense it's meant to be in. Thanks a lot!

One reviewer had some concerns about the "Training from Hell" (to quote tvtropes (dot) org) part in the earlier chapter. Admittedly, it never happened in canon. I'll try to tone it down if I can do it without compromising on the humor, but no promises. Heck, the next chapter IS written up and has something along those lines anyway. Still, I'll try to keep what you said in mind.

I'm updating the first chapter to include the disclaimer at the top. Can't believe I missed that the first time!

_-chronodekar  
>(6November/2011)  
><em>


	3. Explaining Girls to a Boy

**Disclaimer:** None of the characters are owned by me. Copyright belongs to their respective owners.

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><p>Explaining Girls to a Boy<p>

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><p>As your boy grows, he'll begin to notice that not everyone is a man. Sure, there are animals, but most importantly, your boy will notice the creatures known to the rest of us as "girls". Please remember that the young age is very impressionable for a child. Thus, you cannot afford to let him be distracted with the fairer sex. Instead, to settle his curiosity just tell him that everyone really is a man, just like him. The only difference is that some prefer to carry watermelons everywhere, under their shirts. (It is VITAL that the mother does NOT get involved with the explanation! In fact, knock-out the busy-body and continue as usual)<p>

Hopefully, that will satisfy their curiosity. If instead, the plan back-fires and your small boy begins to try carrying oranges under his little shirt, hit him until he gets the message. Oh, and don't forget to eat those oranges. Can't waste good food, now can you?

A few years down the line your child will enter Brat-hood. Then, despite all your efforts, he'll being to suspect that something was wrong with the water-melon explanation. Now, it isn't good to be caught having out-right lied to your child. But, you've had all these years to create an excuse, right? Well, brat-hood is the time to bring it out. I can think of a few examples myself; lets see... you could try telling him that you were cursed by a rival to lie to the boy and that its his duty to take revenge in your place, or you could try convincing the brat that he has bad memory, or you could admit that you too were fooled all these years ... etc. It isn't that hard, just make something up! The more convoluted and confusing it is, the better.

Still, after you've covered up your fib, it's time to sit with the boy and tell him the truth. That there ARE women out there. And while they make men happy, they are also weak. Weak and frail. And must be treated appropriately.

Give your brat a few days to digest the message. It's a big step and he'll need to be fully aware of what you'll be explaining next - SEX.

I can see some readers getting squeamish now. Seriously?_ This is a parenting book!_ You didn't really expect to start raising a True Martial Artist _WITHOUT_ explaining the birds & bees now did you? Good. Now, get a keg of beer and settle down before proceeding to the next part. It's going to get a bit awkward. Or forward, depending on your point of view.

...

..

...

OK, I'll admit it. This is not easy for me either. I'm getting a bit wozzy from all the beer. Hmmm... tell you what? Rather than explain everything in a bulk of text, I'll just split the explanation into an FAQ. That way you can just refer the sections you need and skip the rest. Easier for everyone that way.

All-right, let's begin;

_**Q. How can I start talking to my boy about sexuality?**_  
>Everyday life provides lots of opportunities for talking about sexuality. Like, when you are sitting on top of your brat while he does his daily push-ups, or when you "borrow" a monks robes as you "regrettably" leave a temple, or even coming across a pregnant cat. These teachable moments occur everyday and can help make the conversation easier and more natural.<p>

**_Q. What kinds of things should I tell my kid?_**  
>It's important to give our kids truthful, useful, and accurate information that conveys our own values about sex and sexuality. I mean, it would be an embarrassment if the brat's opinions were any different from yours. Just think of what the neighbors would say! The shame! So, for the sake of honor, it's all-right to bend the truth a bit. Don't lie, but ... just get a little creative, ok? I mean, if your boy asks something like, CENSORED BY EDITOR It's also important to prepare them to make responsible choices whenever they become sexually active. After all, that will be the time when we get to retire. So, it's best to settle things in the brat's head, long before then.<p>

_**Q. How can I make our conversations more comfortable?**_  
>Beer helps. No, not for the boy, but for you. THEN, you can give a little to the boy. If there's anything left. Usually, there won't be any. Also, consider traditional Japanese Sake. Vintage from the 1800's works marvels! Normally, you would find many parenting books discussing about the so-called "ill effects" of alcohol near a child. BUT, they are <em>WRONG!<em> You see, alcohol helps to loosen the tongue and the best part is that, the next morning you'll be so wozzy, that you won't be able to remember what you told him! So, you get the benefit of having explained everything to the boy, and at the same time, dispelling the awkward memories of the event!

_**Q. How do I answer my Kid's Questions about Sex and Sexuality?**_  
>Our kids have various reasons for asking us questions about sex and sexuality. They might ask out of curiosity. They may need help making a decision or making sense of the world. Or they may need to be reassured that they are normal. If it's the latter, then set your child straight! They are <em><span>NOT<span>_ "normal"! We are training them to be True Martial Artists and "normal" is something they are NOT! No, we want our kinds to rise above the usual mass that calls itself humanity; To rise above and conquer all! So, if your boy asks something along the lines of "is it normal to feel this way?" Just set him straight with a good upper-cut to his chin. Make sure you get a good spot, you want him to sail through the air for a few feet before coming back down.

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><p>Final Chapter: <em>"To be a Better Father"<em>

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><p><em>Author's Notes:<em>

I'm really stoked to see that people are giving me "Story Alerts"! And I've got more than 300 visitors so far! That is so _COOL!_ Thanks a lot guys! Which makes this AN a bit ... disappointing. You read the above right, there will be only 1 more chapter left in this book. After that I'll post up the original one-shot that I wrote with this idea and mark the story as "complete".

Not everyone is going to be happy to see this "book" come to a conclusion, but I think this is about all I can squeeze out of the idea, without it becoming stale. While, I'd love to have written more, I think everyone would prefer 50 words of high quality work than 5000 words of mediocre quality. (A bit of an irony, as I'd love to have reached the 5000 word limit with this story. Oh well, I can always try again with a different idea. (^_^) )

_-chronodekar_  
><em>(13November/2011)_


	4. To be a Better Father

**Disclaimer:** This work is a derivative work of fiction. All copyrights belong to their respective owners (whoever they may be). This is a not-for-profit work and has been created for amusement (and ego) purposes only.

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><p>To Be a Better Father<p>

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><p>Kami, it's hard work writing a book. I never realized that it would be more demanding than drinking 2 bottles of sake! Still, for the sake of fathers who want to raise True Martial Artists everywhere, I must endure! We've reached the last chapter of my book folks. For my part, I'm sure that the wisdom given out so far will prove to be of immense help in raising your own True Martial Artist! So, let's just skip this chapter and pretend that the pages have been ripped out, ok?<p>

...

..

...

I can't do it! My conscience (And the bottle that the Master has hidden away) won't let me leave things like this! Still, it does raise the question - what else is there to write about? I spent many hours in the local pub thinking this very question.

And then I figured it out! Or rather the feedback I got from the preview of this book helped. It turns out that there are many fathers out there who would like to do _MORE_ for their children. To go out of their way and help create a loving family bond. Now, I've put together a few tips that should help such fathers out. Let's begin shall we?

_Get Healthier Together_

Research has repeatedly shown that families that _eat together, stay together!_ Which is EXACTLY why you took your boy with you on his training trip! And what better way to teach him how to eat as a martial artist, than by showing him how to defend his plate! Let me explain - A martial artist is always surrounded by danger. When a child is near his mother, much of this danger is minimized. But, for a True Martial Artist, it won't do to let your boy be lulled into a sense of false security. So, to simulate the real world, every once in a while (at least twice a day), you NEED to steal food from his plate. Don't do it discreetly. You WANT your boy to realize that YOU are taking his food. For when the boy observes a problem, he'll try to solve it! And THAT is what you are hoping for. We need the boy to get used to defending his plate from ANY and ALL companions! In fact, if you train him well enough, he won't_ 'just'_ be able to successfully defend his plate by the time he reaches fiancee-hood, but will be skilled enough to be able to steal from your own plate too! Trust me, it will be a PROUD moment in your life as a father when that happens! Just make sure to train him to do it only twice a day.

_Spend More Quality Time_

Family rituals foster togetherness and open the lines of communication. For a young martial artist, this is CRITICAL. You cannot let your boy out of your sight no matter what! Even if nature calls! When that happens, accompany him and ensure that he's doing all-right. A side benefit to monitoring your brat this way, is that it will give you an early warning when puberty strikes. Though, the real reason is to prevent him from becoming a coward and running away. It was a source of endless problems when my brat attempted to run away from his training. I mean, the way he was running, anyone would think that I was some sort of demonic monster! Which, as those who know me well, can tell you, is absurd! In my days, we used to use ropes to tie our brats near us. Just make sure you don't tighten things around his neck too tightly. Remember, he has to eat! Though, these days, many parents tell me, its much easier to gift your brat a cell-phone. If you can afford it, then use the GPS tracker found in most phones to locate your boy when he runs off. I agree it's an easy way to track your boy down, but the risk is that you might end up growing distant from your boy. In the end, just use whatever works for you.

_Talk to Your Kids_

Every parent wants their teens to come to them if they have a problem. But you have to open the lines of communication and establish trust before your teens will feel comfortable sharing with you. From the moment your boy learns how, reading a book with him is a good way to grow the bond as father and son. Just make sure you select the correct reading material. And considering that we want to bond with our child, avoid training scrolls. Those are to be used another time! Instead, go for some other literary works. The Indian book "Kama Sutra" is good bonding material. And the German title "Mien Kampf" will help explain how to handle aggression. The Chinese book "The Art of War" is a wonderful book that will help you both during long and cold winter nights.

_Be a Good Role Model_

You are your child's first teacher of right and wrong. Your boy will learn a lot about your priorities by watching you and the resolutions you set. While it's necessary to train your boy in the family art, it might not be a good thing if your boy idolizes you. I mean, we want our children to become _BETTER_ than us, right? How else will they support our retirement? So, every once in a while visit a nearby temple or monastery. And when you are busy testing the security of a local restaurant, it's all-right to get caught. Pretend enough so your boy doesn't suspect what s going on. The time you spend in jail with your boy, will not only be a good memory, but it will also expose your child to the hidden side of humanity. All these different influences will help shape your boy to become a productive member of society! I should know. My boy turned out all-right.

_Get Help if Your Teen Is Struggling_

If every year you work to become a better parent and your teen continues to fall deeper into trouble, don't be ashamed to get help. It's a part of being a parent. We're only human after-all! So, if your boy gets stuck with training technique, seek help. One of my favourite sources of help are the local pets. Cats in particular make good company when training your boy to become a True Martial Artist! Also, hot-springs. In the event that you cannot explain certain concepts about other creatures to your brat, just take him to the Jusenkyo hot springs located in China. Have him EXPERIENCE how things are like. You will essentially open a whole new WORLD for your boy!

_Negotiate_

There are times negotiation can work effectively. At least that's what OTHER parenting books say. "What's the point?", I must ask those useless authors! You should _NEVER_ negotiate with your boy. Remember he has to grow and become a True Martial Artist. Not a diplomat! _And should never question your authority!_ It will help give him a sense of purpose in life and provide you the comfort of knowing that your retirement plan is well-taken care of.

**_Parting Words:_**  
>Well, that's all the wisdom I have to impart for now. I hope that you work hard and TRAIN your boy to become a True Martial Artist! And yourself, to become the BEST Father in the World; I know I have! (^_^)<p>

_-G. Saotome_

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><p>Epilogue:<em> "What started this all...!"<em>

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><p><em>Author's Notes:<em>

Thanks a lot for all the reviews and attention that you've given to this story folks! It means a lot to me, knowing that I brought a smile to your faces. All that's left now, is to upload the original one-shot that started everything. I'll have that done in a few days.

I thought about ending this with Ranma suddenly finding out or reading the book, but ... it breaks the flow which I had in mind. When I started to make this into a "book" format, I referred many real parenting books and sites for inspiration. While this is a crack/humor story, I want to keep the original "book" flavor, so except for Genma, no-one else makes an appearance.

If you liked this story, please leave a review - they brighten my day and inspire me to write more. Or even better, link back to this story from other sites! The publicity will help boost my ego, and will provide more visibility to the story.

_-chronodekar_  
><em>(18November/2011)_

__EDIT: It has come to my attention that the last chapter is possibly in violation of 's TOS (Terms Of Service). Specifically, it might appear that the rule "do not publish lists" is the issue. To avoid this entire story from being deleted, I'm removing the last chapter. My humblest apologies to all my readers.

_-chronodekar_  
><em>(9June/2012)_


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